“I’m kinky. NOW what?”
So, let me start by stating the painfully self-evident. You’ve realized that your specific needs and desires aren’t quite “the norm.” If you hadn’t, there’d be absolutely no point in you reading this book outside of morbid curiosity.
The first thing to do is not panic! Sit down, get a paper bag, breathe into it and hear me out.
Life is short! You might as well enjoy it while it lasts.
Statistically speaking, it is an absolute certainty that on a planet populated by nearly eight billion people, there are more than a few people out there who share and complement your particular desires, no matter how “weird” you think they are. This is known in kink circles as Ugol’s Law:
“For every specific kink or fetish any given person has, there is always at least one other person who shares this kink or fetish.”
Or, the tl;dr version: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Whether you secretly fantasize about being a 1950s housewife (regardless of your actual gender), reverting to age five as soon as you get home in the evening, being taken to a venue and “forced” to have sex with multiple partners or the traditional standbys of being tied up, beaten like a piñata, fucked like a fifty-cent whore and then cuddled like the most precious thing in the universe, Ugol’s Law assures there’s someone out there who complements your desires.
Your desires may be considered even further “out there.” Maybe you fantasize about having hardcore sex with the Decepticon leader Megatron in his aircraft form from the Bayverse. It could be that people dressed up in animal costumes get you hard or damp betwixt the thighs. You might even dream about being killed, defiled, grilled and eaten. (Yes, this is a real thing real people actually fantasize about doing or having done to them. And I’m not talking about Dahmer-esque psychos…some of these are mechanics, doctors, lawyers, engineers, judges and CEOs. I’m talking people with real, grown-up jobs!)
It doesn’t matter. You have the right to desire what you want without judgment. You may not necessarily have the right to act on these desires, for a number of possible reasons, but simply having them is not a bad thing in and of themselves. As a matter of fact, a rich and varied fantasy life is often the first step to finding ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction.
The biggest thing to hold onto is that you may think you’re “abnormal” or even “crazy.” You may think there’s something wrong with you.
Nothing could be further from the truth!
Just because your sexual and emotional needs have a greater range than “missionary with the lights out on Saturday night and then back to watching Law and Order reruns while we pretend we didn’t just do what we done” doesn’t make you a bad person. There are certainly some acts which, if you took them out of the realm of fantasy or very carefully managed roleplay, could arguably be considered the acts of bad people. By and large, anything you can do with a living, breathing, consenting adult human being or to an inanimate object in your own home or in certain other designated locations is perfectly okay, absent quirks of local laws where you live.
Right now, someone’s reading this last sentence and asking, “Soooo…if I go out into my garage and stick my dick in the tailpipe of my car, or decide to use my gearshift to fuck myself stupid, that’s okay?”
Theoretically, you’re in your garage or another otherwise private location. (Don’t do this on a public street or in an open car park. It probably won’t end well.) And hey, it’s your car. And presumably you have enough sense to make sure the tailpipe isn’t hot, or that you have a way to call for help if you get yourself into an awkward situation or hurt yourself.
If you’re not doing this in your own garage with your own car, please make sure you have the enthusiastic permission and consent of the owner of either or both as applicable before you proceed. Some people would enjoy watching a woman mount the stick shift on a Lamborghini, whether she owns it or not. Some people would call the cops and kick the woman out of their home. Go figure.
While basic decency demands you probably shouldn’t be parading your business down Main Street on a Monday morning during rush hour, there’s nothing at all wrong with doing what works for you in the privacy of your own home or a designated area where such acts are permissible, so long as you do it in such a way as to offer a reasonable degree of safety.
The single most important thing to remember as you get started is the acronym MKINYK. It stands for
MY KINK IS NOT YOUR KINK!
This means you have every right to your fetishes, kinks and desires, no matter how dirty they seem. It also means the people around you have every right to theirs as well, even if they don’t share yours or vice versa. This basic principle is one of the main ideals of the kink community, although I must say it often seems to be honored more in the breach than the observance when we get down to actual cases. “It’s not wrong, it’s just not right for me” is a fairly common remark in the scene, and one I personally make often concerning kinks, fetishes and paraphilias I personally find unappealing.
No matter how you found out you’re kinky, or what kinks you want to explore, as long as you and any partners you have fully and enthusiastically consented to them and everyone comes away from the encounter breathing, healthy and (at least ideally) happy, you’re okay. And, as previously noted, you’ve got a potential pool of almost eight billion people to choose from.
No matter how ugly, homely, attractive, masculine, feminine, religious, atheistic, old, young (well…within the bounds of the age of consent for your area, usually with a hard minimum of 18 years old to be allowed into most kink venues and events) or whatever, you have no excuses for not being able to find someone who’s right for you and your needs.
Now we start looking for your special someone.
J.S. Wayne is an experienced kinkster under the nom de guerre “_Unicron_” and the author of Fantastic Dominants and Where to Find Them: A Player’s Guide to the Ultimate RPG. He is fascinated by the use of language, human sexuality, occultism, quantum physics and trying to figure out just what the hell the lyrics to “I Am The Walrus” were actually trying to say.